This weekend as not how it was suppose to go in the least.  I don’t understand how anything happened the way it did.  We got there and we were dancing and having fun and drinking our drinks. And then Mark, Gabe, and Carlton just shot right in and and were there with us too. We were fine until Mark kept coming up to me “Do you want so of my drink?” “Can I get you anything?” and when we went down stairs to take shots he’s holding onto my back and I’m trying so hard to brush him off and he goes to me “I’m just holding on to you so we don’t get lost” well, you lost your ability to hold on to me when you broke my heart.  Charlene eventually asks me if he’s bothering me, which is an obvious yes.  It’s like I can’t break free of him, so I go and dance with other people and don’t make eye contact with him.  And then everything goes down hill.  Something happened between me, Gabe, and Charlene.  I don’t want to say what it was because in actuality it had very little to do with me, although I was the scapegoat for the situation.  Which made me cry hysterically on the way back afraid that Charlene hates me or something.  And then crying harder because no one is really allowed to comfort me, even though Gabe tries to.  He tries to tell me none of this is my fault and it’s him and past things, and I know all of this is true, but I’m not even crying because of that.  I am, but I’m crying because I’m alone in this mess.  I had my heart broken and now I’m being accused of something or another and I just feel like I made a huge mistake coming out tonight.  And like the human being Mark is, he swoops in and tells me he doesn’t want to see me this upset.  He drags me into the subway and all I can do is cry into the shoulder of the person who hurt me most. And I am sobbing into him trying to tell him that he hurt me and I hate him but instead I’m just holding on harder to him cause I don’t want him to leave me.  I felt so weak and stupid. And it’s me, Gabe, and Mark in the subway and I stop crying and Mark’s still holding me and Gabe’s trying to just talk to fix things and I don’t know what to do. Mark falls to the ground and just leans on my legs and his head is like a child’s leaning against me.   And Gabe is telling me how he’s been wishing things would work out between me and mark and I just roll my eyes and he looks at me with this understanding face.  Because Gabe knows how much it hurts me. And I left with Charlene and everyone else, and I was so nervous and whatnot.  I didn’t want Charlene to to hate me, think of me in some way, see me as something not true.  I just wanted to be home in my bed.  And we get back to the apartment and I sit in a corner of the couch and close my eyes and when Mark comes in he falls asleep on the floor and I’m wishing he would come lay closer to me, but he’s Mark and he’s thinking in terms of “I want sleep, right here looks good.” And I pass out and in the morning I was hoping he’d be gone because he has work.  Nope, He decided to skip work today.  And I’m stuck being nice to him, giving him the rest of my bagel, sitting next to him in the car, I don’t want him to thing we’re okay.  I want him to grow up.  I want him out of my life until he can treat me how I deserve to be treated.  I don’t want to be abused.  I felt abused from every front that night. And in the morning Gabe looks at me and says he’s sorry about everything and I just shrug my shoulders, what am I going to do?  Because I can’t seem to leave this place.

Cause I miss you.  And I have all the reasons not to miss you, you have all the reasons to miss me. I was so fucking good to you. I really hope you miss me, and I really hope when you see me tonight you’ll try and start a conversation with me, or get that sad puppy dog look on your face. I want you do to something besides pretending it doesn’t exist.  It exists.  Don’t pretend I was never in your life.  I one time asked you if you ever thought what life would be like if we never met and you were like “I really don’t ever want to think of that.”  Im just scared that a part of you is relieved that I’m not in your life anymore.  These feelings come and go, and they don’t stay for long.  But i want you to miss me. I want it to hurt you so bad because you have no one to blame but yourself.  I want you to change. I want you to be the best you you could ever be. I want you to be the person I know you are. I want you to grow up. I want you.  But the you you are now doesn’t deserve me.  As of right now, you are not good enough.  I hope that you want to be. I don’t know.